| I'm not givin' mines away to satan |
[11 May 2008|11:25pm] |
I need a muse.
I have this golden nugget. Large, shiny, pristine (in a sense). It's in my pan, fresh and glistening, waiting to be plucked, and like a dream I can't seem to grab it. All I need is one more inch; one small spark to set me off. It's the story of my life, which means it's somemthing I have been failing at for 26 years. No one's fault but my own (despite what the first sentence implies). All the drugs and music and people and experiences can't push me that one inch. I need a muse.
So godamn close. There's a whole world waiting to be exposed. It's the dirt under the fingernails of capitalism, state government, entertainment. It's huge, and I can't do anything but leave it as marbles in my mouth. Each day I forget a little more and try a little less, and if everything goes as I plan, it'll be too late if I don't do something soon. It's. Right. Fucking. There.
Oh, the flesh is weak.
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[01 Jan 2008|01:28am] |
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music |
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Weezer - Say It Ain't So |
] |
There's magic in a bunch of drunken fools singing Rock Band at 2AM (Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Say it aint sooooooooooooo!).
I think I wrote something similar a few years ago concerning this particular night, but really, considering how garbage 2007 was, 2008 couldn't have started off any better. Same scenario, familiar context. In the end, I am better off.
I caught that kiss from miles away. Unfamiliar territory but had a strange magnetism. Something to work for. Something to anticipate. Regardless, it's all real on Thursday, making tonight extra special. More like an extension of the holiday, really. I'm delaying going back to work for a few more days than anyone else, but oh my god will it be worth it. I'm promoted, I'm trusted, fuck them.
I have to go see about a girl. Goodnight and live well, friends. Happy New Year.
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[29 Dec 2007|12:24am] |
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music |
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Mr. Lif - Collapse |
] |
Things turn, they do.
Christmas roller coaster with awkward peaks and valleys. Sub-dued festivities. Little melancholy. Roll into drinkering with old chums. Tonight, I found out/made the decision to go meet Erica in Miami next week, who will be coming to Orlando a month later for a full week (full week!).
Scared and excited and all that.
No Country For Old Men was great.
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| Possibly amusing to one other person. |
[10 Oct 2007|07:40pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
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music |
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Jay-Z - 99 Problems |
] |
Hilarious correction.
She lives in Goode, Virginia.
Laughing for days on that.
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| I'm coming up only to show you wrong |
[08 Oct 2007|02:33pm] |
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music |
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Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen in Love? |
] |
"Only in White America"
-The truer statement would have been "only in poor america," but Troy was essentially correct. I'd never seen it before, either. We invited essentially everyone to that party, even those that we knew would be a handful. Paul is small. Paul is a punk. Paul likes to drink. Eventually he got so lit that he began running around doing callouts, shouting and hooting; rubbing dudes in only a way a closeted drunk would. He ran off, jogging through the neighborhood with too much keg beer. His annoying, too serious friend Patrick went running after him, screaming his name as he ran. They both got lost. They both played Marco Polo in the middle of a quiet golf community. Patrick, too drunk, too honest, called 911. He told the police he was blasted, he couldn't find his friend, and they were lost.
And then the police pulled up to our house. Craig ran out to greet them being the most cohesive of the bunch. We had figured there was a noise complaint. The cops exited the car, opened the back door, and let Patrick and Paul out of the backseat. They shook Patrick's hand, patted him on the shoulder -- told him to stay inside -- and then got back in their car and drove off without saying two words to anyone responsible for the house.
They brought him back to the fucking party and shook his fucking hand.
-Girl is the most unassuming Economics major ever.
-She promised to whisper to me sweet nothings about Supply and Demand. I don't think she understands how much of a turn on that is, and how much I plan on taking her up on that offer.
-If only she didn't live in effin' Lynchburg, Virginia, with the likelihood of only seeing her once or twice before the year is out.
-You know life is good when you have various moments during the day where you sit, alone, and smile/laugh at nothing.
-To contradict everything in my last post, pretty sure girl is a racist, and once again, probably doesn't know how much of a turn on that is.
-skate. is a phenomenal game. Every once and a while EA has to do well.
-The more weight I lose, the younger I look. I am 26, but I look 16, and clerks are vigilantes when it comes to ID's.
-But I can't/shouldn't complain about that.
-The other thing I have learned: there's a ton of power in making people laugh. It's a drug, and affords me a lot more privilege than I could otherwise manage without it (obvious, I guess).
-Off to play an overly complicated board-game with the roommates.
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| And all you other cats throwin' shots at jigga, you only get half a bar -- fuck y'all niggas |
[03 Oct 2007|09:56pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
] |
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music |
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Joy Division - Failures |
] |
What I have learned.
Principles are key. 99% of the regrets I've had in life were a lapse in such: pretending there were unintentional factors, understandable faults in judgment, lots of -un's. No one learns that way, or at the least, I don't. What I've learned is that I can't do that anymore. There's personal accountability somewhere. I had a friend a few years ago that I lost because I played the card that says everyone comes back. No matter what, the people you befriend stick by you because there was something mitigating between friend and non-friend. They understand inattention, callousness, indifference -- choose an noun.
It's garbage.
The good people don't let themselves get treated like shit, or treat others like such. They stand up for what matters, and at a minimum, that's themselves. I can't ever go back. I can't ever capitulate to such simple emotions as fear and rejection. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and I move on. No, that doesn't have anything to do with recent subjects. It has everything do with those I place my trust in (that's not going to come after two weeks of phone calls). That could be people, places, things -- choose another noun too.
I don't have it anymore, and christ does it feel good.
In the end, I want to know those around me through my life were there because I treated them well, and they only wanted to return the favor. It's not a neurosis. It's not because they are terrified of being alone. It's because to them, I am important, because I made them feel important. It's genuine. It's not a product of a dysfunctional environment, or a chemical imbalance (so glib), some stupid clinical excuse, a textbook case of attention whore, etc... As much as I was never able to understand those that can sever their emotions so cleanly, I always respected them way more than I respected those that gave 3rd, 4th, 5th chances. They stuck to their ideals and I desperately wanted to do the same.
What I have learned is to seriously reconsider past friendships that only paid lip service to what's vital. I've learned to be that person that cut me off because I didn't show them the respect they deserved. This means those that I held that spot for aren't worth the space. This means I won't waste the effort anymore. This means I have cancelled very serious feelings about very serious people (to me). This means I actually feel good about it. It probably took too long, but I can be content that I will spend the last two-thirds of my life the right way. I imagine most people don't even get that much (if at all). It feels fucking fantastic, and it means that I don't feel pity for those that wander through life with the same affliction I have had for twenty-six years. It means I don't care about them.
And yeah, that means you.
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[24 Sep 2007|10:52am] |
I didn't make it to the toilet, but the spicket outside in the grass was a nice alternative. Mission accomplished.
+ Jacob was there.
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[18 Sep 2007|10:04pm] |
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music |
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Discharge - Protest and Survive |
] |
******: dude
Furious Law: dude
******: tampa girls ARE insane. andrea went insane
Furious Law: You can narrow it even further, it's that fucking high school
Furious Law: Andrea, Lauren, Elijah Dukes, Sheffield, Gooden
******: hahaha
******: i didn't know dukes went to hillsborough
Furious Law: pretty sure he graduated in the same class as Lauren
---------------
-So girl lives in Baltimore and we talk fairly regularly. The plan at the moment appears to be to get together in Pittsburgh or some such, which would be nice because I could see some of my extended family.
-But I can't even pretend to afford food at the moment, let alone a plane ticket.
-And I am failing to convince myself that I am mis-reading the situation. No shame in admitting she is out of my league in some aspects.
-Applying for a new position at work. More money and I'd have the same shit-chance of a real promotion as everyone else. I don't see a downside to at least applying (and I can't think of but two or three people that could do the job to my level).
-The birthday party is this weekend. We put a "Bring a Bottle" stipulation on the shindig to attempt to fill out the bar. If even half of the people show up that we invited there will be more than enough.
-I saw a fucking coyote at the entrance of our golf community.
Any current Orlandoites with nothing to do on Saturday can feel free to send me an e-mail or something and come along for the festivities (we have maps!). Would be shocking since I am pretty sure the only people still reading this are two dudes from Michigan.
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[13 Sep 2007|09:01pm] |
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music |
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Aceyalone & RJD2 - Moore |
] |
+We're in like!
-She's 300 some odd miles away.
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| Hutzian tone |
[08 Sep 2007|07:45pm] |
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mood |
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sexy |
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music |
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!!! - Must be the Moon |
] |
Still got it.
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[02 Sep 2007|09:46pm] |
Martin picked up a 5.1 system for the Bonus Room, which was outdone by the Programmer dropping $500 for a 7.1 system for the living room. Martin's buying a bar tomorrow (a fucking bar?!), and the pool table gets constructed Wednesday.
Christ.
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| You're out of touch! I'm out of time! |
[02 Sep 2007|02:13pm] |
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music |
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Hall & Oates - Out of Touch |
] |
All credit for last night goes to Old Whiskey River (Willie Nelson!) Bourbon Cream. Shit was $1.99 a bottle.
It didn't hit us until well after Chemel stole the glow-in-the-dark golf ball that landed a few feet from our house (and just a little after we watched the glut of flashlights scamper around looking for the lost ball) that the glow-sticks and luminaires strewn all over the course were some kind of night-golf event. There has to be a higher expectation of abnormality playing golf at night, so we didn't ruin their evening or anything, but I think we felt a little worse when we realized it was an adervtised function. Regardless, I expect a warning from the home owner's association on the horizon. Golf at night though? Still fucking stupid.
Swords were drawn at some point. People were carried to their beds. I won money, and we cleaned up really well in the morning.
Did I mention how much I love this place?
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[30 Aug 2007|10:12pm] |
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music |
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!!! - All My Heroes are Weirdos |
] |
Tonight I ate bacon spam. It wasn't that bad.
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[28 Aug 2007|10:23pm] |
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music |
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Faust & Dalek - Imagine What We Started |
] |
Ever so often even a wall of cynicism can crack, I'd imagine. If I may be vulnerable for a moment, it's been a long time since I have felt right (certainly a long time since I have felt that I was on the good path), and it wasn't due to anyone else but myself. I'm on the good path. This house is incredible. My job is incredible(ly frustrating). My friends continue to amaze me with their generosity and weirdness. There's not one thing I don't feel like I can't reasonably handle. I mean, there's kinks (yes), but those fixes will only take time and a little money.
If there is one serene place in Central Florida, it's a golf course at 3:30am.
*Posted so I have something to egg me on to the suicide train when it all falls apart.
**There it is again!
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[24 Aug 2007|10:18pm] |
You are watching Will & Grace!
Coming up, more Will & Grace!
And cable-fucking-TV returns!
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[24 Aug 2007|09:49pm] |
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music |
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Edan - Emcees Smoke Crack |
] |
I move tomorrow. Yesterday we did the walkthrough and I handed over what little money I had left. My only gripe is that the drive to work will be greatly extended, but we will carpool, and it's not anything worse than what I was used to when I lived with Lauren.
There's all the aesthetic reasons, sure. I'll be able to live vicariously through the programmer (and by this I mean use all his neat HD toys), and I figure I won't have to buy a single video game for at least a year. It's on a quiet golf course that I can see myself wandering upon during the wee hours of many nights, something I used to do but that neighborhood has prevented until now. There's plenty, but mostly it will get me out of this waystation. I don't have much packing to do because most of my stuff is still in boxes. That's partly due to non-necessity and mostly due to me not caring enough to actually move into my current apartment. Things were so fucked up when I left that I didn't settle early, and then simply lost the want to unpack all of my crap and dig in. It'll be refreshing and a chance to actually feel set-up again (and cable TV returns!).
Plus, there will be parties. One next weekend and then a grand ol' bash for my 26th. My birthdays have been woefully uneventful since... 11? 12? The streak needs to change. I plan on ringing in the new adulthood proper; with my head in a toilet.
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[17 Aug 2007|12:41am] |
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music |
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Run DMC - It's Like That |
] |
House is a go.
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[15 Jul 2007|08:49pm] |
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music |
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Joy Division - Transmission |
] |
Brazilian women. Oh my fucking god.
Conversely, paying 8 bucks for a 12-pack of Guarana is not oh my fucking god.
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| I want dead presidents to represent me. |
[04 Jul 2007|03:02pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Nas - The World is Yours |
] |
Celebrating the 4th the way it was meant to be celebrated: eating BBQ with a family of brazilians while watching futbol.
Yeah, son. Someday I'll make a real post.
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